I remember hearing a show on CBC radio one evening where they were talking about a ridiculously fit, healthy and long-lived group of people living somewhere in a rural part of Europe (maybe an island?) who were the subject of a study to examine the secret to their longevity. I recall that the researcher described a very rural, challenging, life, where simply getting through the day required a significant degree of physical effort. Without electricity, many household chores were done by hand, entertainment involved gathering as a community (an activity that involved a lengthy walk), and so on. He contrasted this existence with our comparative life of ease, where we routinely drive to and from work (or the gym), buy prepared meals, use remote controls to access our entertainment or, increasingly, carry it around in our pockets in the form of smart phones. For most of us, there are few opportunities for natural exercise, and all too often we actively work to conspire against those opportunities, choosing the comfort and convenience of the car. The researcher said something to the effect that it wouldn't be necessary to recreate the physical environment of the people being studied to gain some of their benefits. He commented that making it just a little harder to get your snacks (having the kitchen on a separate floor from the rec room) or seeking out even slight inconveniences (taking the parking spot farthest away from your destination) would be helpful..
What does this have to do with life with someone with a developmental disability? I'm sure I'm not the only parent who has many, many strategies for making things convenient for my son (and, not coincidentally, for me too). Whether that means ensuring that some situations never arise or smoothing over those unexpected bumps in the road, I unconsciously go about daily life with at least part of my brain attempting to anticipate and deal with inconveniences, changes in routine, or situations that will cause stress or distress. I even notice that I do it to facilitate things I don't particularly want my son to do, which is pretty stupid when you think about it: how much effort did I just expend trying to get an outdated computer game working on his newer laptop when he plays that game way too much as it is?
So I've been trying to move in a different direction, to make things just a little bit harder. One example of making things difficult with a purpose was how I managed to ensure he got in the habit of calling me when he arrived home from school or program to an empty house. The trick? I simply hid his beloved Nintendo DS. Inevitably he'd call me to ask where the DS was, and eventually this turned into him automatically calling when he got home, even when he was no longer looking for that device. He still mostly calls when he wants something, or wants to tell me something, but the habit was formed by making his life just a little bit more difficult. I also strive to let him make his own decisions, to feel the pain of not being able to buy a new DVD because a few days before he chose to spend his money on a different one. Is this often painful for me too, if only because of his complaining and often anger? Of course it is, but I have also observed how each instance makes him just a little bit more flexible. I remember years ago attending a Geneva Centre symposium and hearing a presentation by a young woman with ASD: she said something like "We have to hear 'no, it's not time for that' or 'no, it's her birthday' or 'not right now', so we can learn that these uncomfortable situations aren't permanent." In our house we call this "making D uncomfortable/unhappy" and yes, sometimes there is yelling and door-slamming and misery (occasionally on both sides), but when we get to the other side, it was inevitably worth it.
